CrAzZy mE Blog

My Italian family has become what I like to call Holiday Catholics. Those are the kind of Catholics that like to go to church only on a Holiday, and hide form the priest why they throw lots of money at the church in the hopes that God will understand and forgive them. Mostly this is due because several generations of Italian Americans in my family have a mixed religious families. All of my uncles including my father married women who where Methodist, and in one case she is a evangelical witch is a blog for another time. So its not so much that as a family we do not believe in god, as much as it is that we all seam to have a different take on God. At the same time many in the family have been divided over the amount or lack of power that woman have in the church today. Most of them where part of the woman’s movement and still look down on the Catholic church for not catching up like some of the other religions have. As for me I spent most of my time at the Methodist church and some time at the Catholic Church so I guess that would make me the first generation of Holiday Catholics.

In fact up till I started my classes for first communion I thought that is how everyone went to church. I just assumed that you only went to the Catholic Church for things like Palm Sunday or Ash Wednesday. Then the rest of the time on an average Sunday you attended regular church, or as I came to call it quick church. I use to say get in, set down. shut up, Amen and lets have a donut and go. I use to set in Catholic Church and wonder if God himself was up in Haven thinking Can we move this along I still have a lot to do.. I even made a minister unhappy at me one time. He said that God created the havens and the earth in 6 days and on the 7th he rested. He said that is why on Sunday the7th day we gather at church and pray to God.

If God took Sunday as his day off do you really think it wise to bother him on that day.

Now I have always been a smart ass, and truth be told I said it to get a laugh, but at the same time I did think it kind of rude to bother the big guy on his only day off.

So you think that you are bothering God by praying to him?

No. Its just that my father works for a grocery store, and I have heard him say that its a bad idea to bother the boss on Sunday because it makes him grumpy on Monday. So I just think that if you hope to have your prayers answered you should wait to ask till Monday when he will be in a better mood.

Needless to say I got a good talking to about that, but lets move on.

So as the years went by the family for the most part went to Catholic Church but only on special days. This went on for years and years then my Grandfather passed away. He was the first out of the older generation to go. In fact it had been a very long run in my family with no deaths. In the last couple of months of my grandfathers life I had been with out a job and he had ask me to come and help him because my grandmother was getting worse and he himself was having a hard time getting around. So when he died I along with my father and Uncle I went to help make the plans for the funeral. Mostly because he had sent me down and went over everything in case he was the first to go because my Grandmother could not always remember everything anymore. We were making the plans when my Father ask me if I thought that he would have wanted a Rosary. I knew that he did, but he also knew that most of the family never really liked to go. So I told my dad that I thought that it would be nice especially because so many of the family who where coming from L.A. had already ask me about it. Later that same day he said.

So dose anyone remember how to say a Rosary?

To witch my Uncle said

I know you need that bead thing don’t you?

My dad looked around and said to me

Didn’t you go and do a Rosary for him just last week

Yes

I said not happy because I could already tell where this was going.

Good. Michael here will give all of us a crash course in it. I’m sure it will be like riding a bike

Good. Because I think that there will be several of us that are going to need it.

My uncle replied.

It was at this point that my Aunt started to laugh out loud and said

You’re joking me right.

My Uncle just looked at her as if she was from another world and said with this blank expression

What?

Michael was like me and spent most of his time at a Methodist Church and the two of you spent all of your childhood in a Catholic one, and he is going to have to tell you how to do it.

It was at that point that I started to laugh myself. The room got very quite and no one said much over the next 30 minutes until my other uncle walked in and said

What’s this shit I hear that for those of us that do not know how to do a Rosary there will be a crash course

I replied, That’s right I am your friendly Holiday Catholic here to tell you how to help you get your father into Haven.

At least he had a since of humor about it and started to laugh

Do you think that you can hand out 3×5 cards so that I don’t have to try and remember it.

Sure I said.

As the day went on no one ells came up and ask so I assumed that my father realized that this was just stupid and had just dropped it. I was wrong because the very next morning I got to the house and before I could even get into the house my Aunt said to me.

I am so thankful that you are having that class today on the Rosary because I was sweating that one I can tell you.

I had no longer got in the front door then my uncle let me know that they wanted to start the class right away and could I print up the 3×5 cards ASAP so they could get started. So off I went to do it.

For a change everyone was all together and on time, witch in almost unheard of in my family. I started by asking them if they all had a Rosary and a 3×5 card in there hands. Then I went on to explain that on one side they had the Apostles creed along with the Our Father, and on the other they had the Hail Mary, and then also the Glory be to the father and so. I looked up to see three aunts and a cousin with there hands up.

Yes Aunt Mary

You left off then end of the Our Father it should say for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory for ever and ever.

It was at this point I knew I was in trouble.

No that is how you say it at your church but in the Catholic Church it ends with and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil.

are you sure because I don’t remember it that way.

It was at this point that my Aunt Teresa piped up

Jesus Mary you just told me you could not remember any of it and so your going to fight with the only one in the family that is a practicing Catholic.

I am not a practicing Catholic

Then why the hell are you teaching the class?

I am not sure bad Karma I guess. Look we have a lot of ground to cover and not a lot of time to do this, the Rosary is in one day. So if everyone ready lets try and stay on target. You will start out by saying In the name of the Father, and of the son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen

I looked up to see that my cousin still had her hand up.

yes Amy

Its just that do you think that it would be okay if I said the Our Father the way I think God wants me to say it and not the way the Catholic Church wants me to say it.

No Amy I think that you should do in Rome as the Romans do.

Okay but if I go to hell for this I am taking you with me.

Just add it to the list of other things I am going to burn in hell for.

What ells does he think he is going to burn for

My Aunt Mary said

You know he is the Homosexual

My Aunt Francis said

OOOOOW that’s right, does the Church know this.

I don’t think so

I said, as I now just wished that I had stayed in the closet

Good I don’t think we should tell them

I don’t either. Now that’s settled can we get on with this.

For the next 29 min. there was no questions till I let them all know how many times they would have to say everything then.

Sum a beach

My Uncle Joe said as he stood up.

That’s just like those dam catholic you don’t show up for a couple of yeas and when you do they make you have a marathon.

I never did get them back after that my Aunt Teresa broke out the wine to easy everyone, and all that did is react badly with there medication, and most of them passed out. I went to see if I could find some Valium, and then lay down. I was almost asleep when my cousin Andy come in and woke me up.

Can I ask you a question?

Is it about the Rosary then no other wise yes

its not. I just want to know how far removed does one of your cousins have to be before it is okay to have sex with them.

That whole conversation is a blog for another time.

The day of the Rosary arrived and everyone showed up with their 3×5 cards and the Rosary. So with that all done I went off to find the Father that the church was sending over. The father they sent out looked to be older then my Grandfather who passed away at 85. He said that he just could not stand that long anymore and would it be okay if he set down. Down up I just did not care I just wanted to get started. It was not to long into the Rosary that I looked over to see that Father had fallen asleep in the chair. I pointed it out to my Father.

This is your thing so go fix it.

So I got up and try to keep things going.

I thought that you said that he was not a Father in the church because he was a homosexual

One of my aunts said to another one

He is a homosexual the father is sleeping over there.

That good that he is asleep because if he saw that homosexual doing this I think it could kill him. So lets not wake him

Now I love my family and the older generation has tried to under stand the hole gay thing its just that there are time that I look around and Think is this really the genetic pool I come from.